Bulgy The Blog

Ours

2009-09-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning we made a trek down to ye olde courthouse for our finalization hearing. We got up early and decided to dress Gus up for the big day.When we got off the elevator and turned the corner, there were a bunch of other families with babies waiting for their adoptions to be finalized. Apparently they do all the adoption finalizations on Mondays. I guess it's a nice way for the family court to start their week. We waited outside with the rest of them and one at a time, each family got called in for their time with the judge. The nice thing was the waiting families would applaud the people as they left the courtroom. After about a 20 minute wait, we got called in. I was actually a little bit nervous for some reason. Maybe they found a loophole in our file that would prevent the adoption from happening. We swore that everything was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but (the judge seemed to be preoccupied).I have to admit, when the judge spoke her solemn words about parental responsibility, I got choked up. I couldn't believe Gus was finally going to be ours for real. It was all a bit overwhelming. The crazy thing is, the whole procedure lasted less than 5 minutes. So now we are truly a family. On paper as well as in spirit. Seems like the legal aspect of it wouldn't make a huge difference, but I do feel different knowing for sure that Gus is irrevocably our son. It really was a happy day. Maybe the happiest day of my life.

The Dating Game

2009-09-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

A date has finally been set! September 28 will be the second happiest day of our lives (the first being the day I got to see District 9... Wilkus!!) For something that was only supposed to take 6 months, we've had to wait 10 months to get a court date. It's only a small complaint since everything else has gone pretty smoothly. We have so much to be thankful for, I can't even begin to describe it all. So Here's to Gus' birth parents. Here's to Adoption Connection. Here's to being able to make a family despite life's challenges. woohoo!!!

Almost There

2009-08-19T22:49:00.000-07:00

We finally got notice from Adoption Connection that they are going to request a court date for our finalization! It was taking a long time to hear any news so we emailed them to check on the status of our adoption. Luckily we did because they were waiting for the hospital to fax them Gus' medical report. We had some papers that the hospital gave us when we took Gus home so we sent them over to Adoption Connection. Turns out those papers were enough for them to finish writing their report. Now we're just waiting for our court date to bring this puppy home!I really can't wait for the adoption to be finalized. The truth is, at this point it's not necessary to have a piece of paper telling us he belongs to us but it would be nice to not have to think about it anymore. After 8 1/2 months, we are fully capable parents...

Blair, Jo, Natalie, and Two-Teeth

2009-07-24T09:47:00.001-07:00

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. The truth is, nothing new has happened on the adoption side of things. We are still waiting to hear when our finalization date is going to be. Maybe everything is being held up in the plumbing of bureaucracy.Just because we are waiting around for our court date doesn't mean we aren't busy. Gus is getting bigger every day and starting to become mobile. He's also doing quite a bit of baby talk. Hopefully we are finalized before he learns to say Dada otherwise he'll have to learn how to say it with air-quotation marks.Here are a few recent pics:

Smiley Cyrus

2009-06-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

We are done with the paperwork! We had to do a narrative report about our experience with Gus so far and fill out a bunch of adoption forms that the court requires. The narrative report was pretty easy. It is basically just a relaying of Gus' vital statistics with a little personal perspective thrown in here and there. They ask you to list his milestones and when he hit them. Doing it made me nostalgic about how much has happened in the last 6 months. It's kind of hard to believe he is now two and a half times his birth weight!In the last couple weeks alone, he's been going through several major changes. We've begun feeding him solid foods, he can now hold a bottle on his own, he got his first tooth, and we are taking him to a weekly swim class... What's next, marriage?!The court needs several papers in order to complete the adoption. They all sound sort of similar but they each serve a slightly different legal purpose. They are as follows:

-Adoption Request (to ask for a hearing and case number)
-Contact after Adoption Agreement (establishes amount of contact between birth parents and adopting parents)
-Adoption Agreement (making sure we REALLY want to do this)
-Adoption Expenses (all about the Benjamins)
-Adoption Order (the court says it's ok)
-Indian Child Inquiry (any Navajo in there?)

David and I went to the courthouse on Monday to hand in the forms. They stamped the papers and gave us a case number. For some reason, every time the clerk stamped a form, I heard Emeril Lagasse say, "BAM!" Now we just have to wait for our adoption agency to finish their paperwork so everything can be combined and we can set a date to finalize the whole thing once and for all!

Can Almost See It

2009-06-01T10:04:00.000-07:00

Last week was interesting. We had the final visit with our social worker which ironically doesn't mean the end of our adoption journey. It actually just means we can begin the paperwork to finally get a judge to say we are fit to be Gus' parents.Miraculously, he is thriving under our care and as each day goes by, we feel the parental bonds deepening. At this point I can't imagine anything preventing us from becoming his legal parents but you never know I guess. They have gone over our life with a fine-toothed comb and come up wanting. At first, I felt like we had to prove to the agency we can be capable parents, but the truth is, the only person we have to do right by is Gus.So now we are busy filling out more paperwork. It is seemingly endless but every blank I fill in, I know I'm getting closer to the finish line. I'll be so glad when it's all over and we can shift 100% of our focus to other stressful things like pre-school, potty training, language acquisition, gross/fine motor skills, and manners.In related family news, California decided to uphold the majority ruling of prop 8 which means marriage is only allowed between a man and a woman. Luckily for us, the CA Supreme Court is letting the 18,000 same-sex couples who got married last year have their marriages remain valid and recognized. But don't think the fight is over. I hear we are going back to the ballot box in 2010 to try again. If that doesn't work, we'll go back in 2012. The point is, eventually gay marriage will happen so the nay sayers should just give up. Meanwhile, as a married gay person, I am very busy ruining the fabric of society by watching the new season of So You Think You Can Dance. What's up with Mary Murphy?!
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Spazmodeus

2009-05-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know what this is:

Anyway, life is flying by fast. While waiting for our final social worker visit, the family is settling into a pretty reliable routine. Gus is sleeping on average 10 hours a night and it's getting easier for us to predict his moods.We've started him on solids and he's taking to it pretty well! It's so funny that every time we offer a spoonful he's shocked but then takes it. I also went to a play date with some other gay dads. It was nice to see dads interacting with their kids. Usually there is a sea of moms (or sea momsters) at any given playground so we got to show how the other half does it. The funny thing was, we didn't talk about being gay at all. We just exchanged tips on parenting!... LIFE!

Suffocatie Holmes

2009-05-01T09:08:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, Amy asked us if we would be willing to speak at Adoption Connection for their 'Preparing for Adoption' class. This is the same class we took over a year ago. I even have an entry about it here. We were happy to do it because I remember feeling so appreciative of the parents who came to speak back then. Getting to hear real stories of people who have gone through it was encouraging and eye-opening.Last night was the night of the class. They had 2 other sets of speakers with their new babies. One of the other couples happened to be in our Preparing for Adoption class from 2008! The classroom was filled with people at the earliest stages of adoption. Their gazes were fixed upon our babies or, Pots Of Gold, if you will. I think a lot of prospective parents (us included) are fearful of the situations surrounding the birth parents but seeing a thriving happy baby makes you forget about all that. Usually the journey is the destination but in the case of adoption, the destination is the destination.

After relaying our story, we answered a few questions and went home. From their perspective, I'm sure it's hard to imagine the adoption process working but we are here to say it really does and we have a chubby baby to show for it. A baby I might add, that can now flip over onto his stomach but can't quite turn back. So now, when he's asleep, we're awake.

Filling Out

2009-04-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

On Monday Amy came by for her third visit. Even though the time is always pleasant and laid back, I usually feel a little bit on edge right before she arrives. It's because she has to write a report on how we're adjusting to parenthood and about how Gus is developing physically, mentally, and emotionally. The lead up to her arrival is a frantic display of tidying up our house, changing into clean clothes, and wiping the drool off of the baby, us, the floor, and the cats.At this visit, she told us we can make an appointment for finalization after June. Finalization means we will go to the courthouse and a judge will deliver a solemn reading about the weightiness of parenthood. Then Gus will get to pick out a stuffed animal from a bin and we will get a new birth certificate with both our names on it as his parents! I can't hardly wait!To qualify for finalization, we have to supply a vast array of forms ranging from Amy's narrative report on us as well as our own report on Gus, birthparent relinquishment papers, adoption expense list, and even a form stating whether or not he has Native American blood. There's no messing around when you're getting a baby! They should make teenagers go through this in order to have a kid.On a personal note, we have begun sleep training Gus. We want this:to become this:

Sir Squeaks-A-lot

2009-04-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

For Gus' first Easter, we thought we'd go all out while we still have a relatively large amount of energy for this kind of thing. The poor guy didn't know what we had in store for him!Anyway, he seemed to like going to the park for a picnic in his new outfit. It was windy and the suit was nice and warm.

David burping Gus (note the tail)

This being San Francisco, we were graced with a variety show hosted by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. There was going to be a Hunky Jesus contest but we left before they got to that... One more thing for my Bucket List I guess!

Progress report: Gus can sort of laugh now but it's more like a squeal.

Observe And Report

2009-03-31T15:04:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a wedding in lovely Mendocino, CA. I got to reconnect with a couple of my good high school friends. Much has changed in our lives but basically we are the same people we were then and still laugh hysterically at the drop of hat.The wedding was notable because it was our first overnight outing with Gus. We packed like we were never coming back. In the future, I hope to streamline the process a bit because really, does Gus need 5 changes of clothes for a 36 hour trip? Overall, the experience was fine and he only had a small fit near bedtime. Maybe he's still too young to be tied to a schedule.Adoption news: We got a package in the mail from Adoption Connection telling us the birthparent rights have officially been terminated and filed. Whee! In July, we should be done with the post-placement period. A couple months after that, we will have our court date in front of a judge for the finalization hearing. This process is long and labored, but when I'm playing with Gus it doesn't really matter how much work we have to do. It will all be worth it in the end (unless he hates us).On an unrelated note, as the primary caretaker of our baby, I've noticed I'm getting a fair amount of unsolicited advice from strangers. Meaning, I will be standing in line at a store and an older lady will say, "your baby looks cold, do you have long-sleeved clothes for him?" Or, "When was the last time you fed him? He's hungry." Or, "Unlock the bathroom door! You need my help! I'm calling social services!" (one of these is a joke) My guess is this happens because I'm a man. Do women get this kind of treatment? I may not be Super Nanny, but I think I know what Gus needs by now. Oh well, all part of the experience I guess.

Twitter

2009-03-14T12:29:00.001-07:00

In an effort to keep myself busy/waste time while taking care of Gus, I've joined Twitter and added my updates to the sidebar on the right--->

For those who don't know what Twitter is, it's basically a social networking program that lets you say what you're doing at any given time. Kind of like the status update in Facebook. Great for mobile phones, horrible for productivity. In baby news, I started going to physical therapy for my wrist pain. Apparently, it's a common ailment for new mothers (is that sexist?) called De Quervain's Tendonitis. Now in addition to diapers, feeding, laundry, and dishes; I have stretches, icing, and ibuprofin to look forward to every day.

ATTACK OF THE 500 FOOT BABY!

2009-03-11T12:33:00.000-07:00

That's a full-sized bottle of Tabasco sauce he's holding! After this picture was taken, he kicked down our front door and rampaged through the streets of San Francisco.The point is, he's growing fast.

What Makes A Family?

2009-03-05T09:01:00.000-08:00

Today will be the oral arguments for overturning Prop 8 in front of the California supreme court. It's scheduled from 9:00am to 12:00pm. Watch it live here or after it's over in their archives.I remember being so sad when the majority voted to restrict marriage to opposite sex people. This was before we got Gus and back then I wanted equal rights because of basic fairness. Now I feel like it's about much more than that and so important for our family to have the same legal protections as everyone else.

Babies Suck

2009-02-25T09:50:00.000-08:00

At least ours does. If it's not the pacifier, he's sucking on his fingers, toys, or blankets. WTF? Too bad they don't have a "change your own diaper" reflex. I kid. One of the surprising joys of fatherhood is getting to change a messy diaper because that means he won't be constipated for a while which means Happy Baby.Yesterday we had our second social worker visit. This time it went smoothly and Gus was a model baby. We fed him while Amy was at our house to cut down on the potential crying time. Thankfullly he was very happy and calm during the whole visit. Whew!Amy asked us the usual questions about his height, weight, eating habits, dailiy activities, etc. She commented on how Gus is about to enter a really fun phase soon. He is 3 months old and starting to grab at things, smile voluntarily, and stare at us as we walk across his line of sight. What else could there possibly be?!! Whatever it is, we are as prepared as we can be and are just holding on for the ride. He's already changed so much in 3 months. Please to compare:

THEN

--------------

NOW

Another thing Amy mentioned was the finalization process. Apparently, we are still far from over! There are reports to be written, lawyers to consult, judges to see, and months for Gus to reach (6). More on all that as it happens.

One final thing is, I've developed a bit of carpal tunnel in my wrists from carrying/feeding the baby. Any parents have advice on this?

Droolia Roberts

2009-01-27T10:37:00.000-08:00

On the day of our first social worker visit it was raining. I should have known something was going to go awry. I had fed him prior to our scheduled meeting to make sure he would be happy but as soon as Amy arrived, Gus started screaming. He's usually quite calm and content but at that moment, he was crying and crying. Turns out I had to change his diaper because it was "Ethnic Food Night" down there if you know what I mean.
Even after he was changed and clean, he continued to cry inconsolably. We decided to just start the interview despite the wails. Amy was very nice but seemed a little distracted because it was so loud. To her credit, she didn't make me feel like a horrible parent. In fact, she offered a few suggestions to help calm Gus down. Eventually he stopped and the rest of the visit went smoothly. Of all the days!

For those curious, she asked about:

- his height and weight
- how he was eating
- where he sleeps and his schedule
- how we were doing (both individually and as a couple)
- doctor visits

All in all not too bad. David said it's probably good that Gus was crying when she was visiting because it showed her how I handle the baby when he's upset. I'm on the fence about that theory but hey, only 3 more visits to go!

Speaking of being a bad parent, here's a photo series I call, "Things On My Baby's Head"

Rattle

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Onesie
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Burp Cloth-----

Pacifier
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Wiimote
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Pocahontas Ballpoint Pen

Please don't call Child Protection Services.

Ya'll got Ya'll's Work Cut Out For Ya'll

2009-01-20T14:20:00.001-08:00

Let the indoctrination begin!
OK, it's been a few weeks since an update but that's because we've been busy with Gus and his numerous needs. They are not kidding when they say being a stay-at-home mom is a full time job. He is now 8 weeks old and doing great! I have to say, despite sleepless nights and diaper changes, I thoroughly love being a dad. He gets cuter with each passing day and is beginning to give back a little with semi-smiles and not-so-blank stares. From total newborn infant dependency he's slowly but surely leaving the fog of nothingness and emerging into the bright light of consciousness... I hope he's not a bully.On the adoption front, we are going to have 4 visits from our social worker before the adoption can be finalized. I know it's necessary and for the good of the baby, but it still makes me a little nervous. The good news is, we've managed to keep Gus alive for 8 weeks so we're doing something right. Tomorrow is her first visit so I will talk more about that later. Wish us luck!

here are some more pics of Gus' antics:

This Christmas Is Not Bliss-Less

2008-12-23T17:34:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone has a safe holiday season!

Relinquishment

2008-12-11T18:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a big day for us. I took Gus' birth parents to Adoption Connection to sign the relinquishment papers. I thought it would only take a few minutes but it ended up taking over an hour. Apparently there are a lot of papers to sign and they have to do it in triplicate. Before they signed I noticed our conversation was awkward with lots of silences. After they signed off however, everyone was more relaxed and started joking around. I guess the big elephant in the room was finally gone.Thus after two and a half weeks of caring for the little poop machine, he's officially in Limbo! Meaning his birth parents no longer have any rights to him and at the same time he isn't technically our son... Yet. We have to wait 6 months before the adoption is finalized. During that time there will be a couple visits from a social worker to see if we are in fact taking good care of him.

oh, his umbilical cord finally fell off! It's totally disgusting. I mean, it's a beautiful example of nature at its most miraculous.

Itty Bitty Kitty Committee

2008-12-04T11:30:00.001-08:00

But seriously folks...

Just because we have a new baby in the house doesn't mean our adoption journey is over. Far from it in fact. Even though Gus is in our care, his birth parents haven't yet signed the relinquishment papers. It is Adoption Connection's policy to let them be of sound mind to sign off. That means they have to be out of the hospital for a couple days first. They will then meet with a counselor to see if their choice is in fact one they definitely want to make. It's a little bit nerve-wracking for us since they could change their minds but they have assured us this is the road they want to take. We have been using this time to get to know them a little bit. We've seen them twice since taking Gus home and they seem to really mostly be concerned for Gus' well being. I'm always nervous before we see them because I fear they will think we're doing a bad job but the truth is, I think they have an equal amount of fear. Maybe it's because they think we might change OUR minds, or that we might judge them for deciding on an adoption plan.So here we have this perfect little baby who will have no shortage of love from us and even though his birth parents decided on adoption, it was because they also loved him too much to be raised in their situation. Whatever I used to think about adoption, I now know that it is a profound event surrounded by love.

Ready... Set... GO!!!

2008-11-29T12:09:00.000-08:00

In a nutshell, We are now the proud parents of a newborn baby boy! Introducing Gus Elliott Lee-Jesitus In honor of this big change in our lives, I have changed the look of the blog as well. I still can't believe it actually happened. A little over a year since we joined Adoption Connection and 10 months of waiting in outreach, we are finally DADS. Let me catch a breath! This is the first time in 5 days I've had a moment to sit down and collect my thoughts...

On Monday the 24th of November, 4:00 pm, it was just a normal day at work when Adoption Connection called to tell me there is a couple that had just given birth but couldn't keep him. They chose us out of 5 profiles! If we agreed to it, we would have to take the baby home the next day. We scheduled to meet at the UCSF Hospital at 6:00. Between 4 and 6, I had to scramble to finish my work, tell my bosses I need to take a leave of absence and call David to tell him the news.We met the couple at the hospital, met Gus, got to know everyone a little bit, set up an appointment to take the baby home the next day, and then left. We then went to Target to buy 2 cart loads of baby stuff. Without knowing what to buy, we just threw stuff into the carts willy nilly. Sleep that evening was interrupted and strange.The next day (Tuesday), we went back to the hospital at 11:00 in the morning to be there for his discharge. We were actually at the hospital until 4:30 because things just took a little extra time. It was an awkward moment when the birth parents left. It seemed like they wanted to keep it short but they were visibly sad yet resolute about their decision.

After they left, the nurses gave us a quick lesson on what to do. I could tell they thought we were totally unprepared. They offered to have a nurse come to our house to give us pointers but I haven't heard anything since we left the hospital so maybe that won't happen. After the crash course, we made an appointment to see a pediatrician and then signed 2 forms and left the hospital... Um, that's all we had to do? We could not believe they let us take a newborn infant out of the hospital after only meeting him the day before.Now we are getting settled into a routine and he is a very sweet mellow kid. This is one Thanksgiving we will always remember.

Equality For All (except gays)

2008-11-05T10:54:00.000-08:00

Despite our best efforts, Proposition 8 looks like it will pass by a narrow 52-48 margin. That means the citizens of California voted to insert language into the constitution taking away rights from a group of people. Usually it's the other way around and we GRANT rights to disenfranchised people.I'm incredibly saddened by this turn of events and yet have hope for a couple of reasons. One reason is Barack Obama won the presidential election and I believe he will be an ally for us. I mean, he even included gays in his winning speech last night! I don't think Bush ever did that. Another reason is young people are not nearly as threatened by homosexuality as older folks so when the older generation dies off, we'll be left with a loving utopia where everyone is treated with dignity and respect...The final reason is this whole gay marriage thing has really filled me with a sense of community and justice. Last weekend we stood outside in the pouring rain holding signs for "No on 8". It felt good to be a part of something at a grassroots level. It felt even better when people driving by in cars honked in our favor or told us they were definitely going to vote No. Even though we lost, the fact that we came so close this time gives me hope for the future.

Vote NO on prop 8!

2008-10-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. This is my PSA on Prop 8, the proposition that will amend California's constitution to eliminate marriage rights for same-sex people. Ready? here goes:

If you are going to vote YES on Prop 8, you should just kill yourself.

Let me elaborate. Seems like the only people who want Prop 8 to pass are either a.) religious, or b.) so homophobic they invent some irrational morality to defend their prejudices. If you are the former, killing yourself will get you to God faster which is the ultimate goal right? Don't think of it as suicide, think of it as getting in the Fastrak Lane for the Pearly Gates. If you are the latter, you should just die because what you're trying to do is insert bigotry, hate and discrimination into the state's constitution and that is a deplorable thing to do. I think in your heart of hearts you know that too. If you vote Yes, will you be able to look someone in the eye and say "I voted to ADD discrimination to the Constitution"?

We shouldn't be able to eliminate rights for anyone just because they are different than us. Haven't we learned this already? David and I just want to live our lives as decent human beings where we realize that difference, though sometimes scary, is not always bad. In fact, encountering difference is just an opportunity to learn more about this bizarre world we live in. Kind of like going to an Asian restaurant. So, with that in mind, I take back my original statement. I don't want anyone to kill themselves because it would be wrong to wish that (and I think we all know the difference between right and wrong). I just want people to vote NO on prop 8 where it won't affect straight people's lives at all but could totally change ours.

We have got to get past this.

And Just Like That...

2008-10-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

RED ALERT!

Yesterday we got a call from Adoption Connection that there might be a baby for us! It is already born and they wanted to know if it would be ok to give the birth mother our profile. If she chose us, we would have to leave work right away and drive a couple hours to pick the baby up.We had just moved the day before and in fact weren't even living in our new home yet. We were in purgatory sleeping on blankets on the floor of our old house because the new house didn't even have a bed set up yet. All our clothes were in boxes including all the baby stuff we have accumulated and we didn't even have a working phone line, not to mention any internet... So we said, "Sure we'll take it!"but alas, she chose someone else. Phew and Sad Face at the same time. My poor stomach.

What We Have Learned Thus Far

2008-09-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

Boy are we busy bees. David and I are in the middle of selling our place while buying a new one at the same time. It's been a whirlwind of storing, staging, and showing. There's also been a Hurricane Katrina's worth of faxing, emailing, and phone calls. Not to mention a healthy 1906 Earthquake's portion of inspections, meetings, and paperwork.Soon the transition will be over and it will be back to business as usual... Meaning sitting around waiting to be matched. Despite having a packed schedule, we somehow managed to go to 2 workshops over the last month.

The first one was about the legal issues that may arise for married same-sex couples. It was hosted by two powerful attorneys who specialize in family law and estate planning. Their names are Deb Kinney and Deborah Wald, or as I like to refer to them, The Debsbians. They spoke passionately and eloquently not just about the legal ramifications of same-sex marriage, but the cultural ones as well. We are standing at the precipice of yet another important civil rights issue and it is heartening to know we are trying to move away from discrimination instead of towards it. "NO" on prop 8! Don't worry, allowing gay people to marry won't cause this to happen:The second workshop we went to was called Negotiating Birth Family Relationships. Since we are planning on doing an open adoption, the intent is for the birth family to be involved in the child's life forever so it's important to nurture a good relationship with them. The workshop mainly focused on fears and expectations. The speaker also gave us different scenarios that may arise and asked how we would handle them. Also, there were bagels.

Like a Throat With a Heart In It

2008-09-03T11:37:00.000-07:00

We did it! Yesterday David and I pledged ourselves to each other in front of a Justice of the Peace at City Hall in San Francisco County, CA. It was important for us to get married before November when there will be a vote to determine once and for all if our relationship is valid in the eyes of the law. Apologies to family and friends for whom we didn't have time to organize a party. Fear not, we intend on having a reception early next year to properly celebrate. Here's how it went down... (it helps if you imagine it as a silent movie with piano music playing in the background)
Thanks to Patty and Ross for taking time off work to witness and take photos. We love you!

More photos here.

Home Iz Where The Catz Are

2008-08-19T15:02:00.000-07:00

David and I are in the process of looking for a new home! We love where we live right now but it is a TIC and not the ideal situation for us, especially with a baby on the way. We're going to try our best to stay in San Francisco but with the prices the way they are, we'll be lucky if we can afford a Single Family Shack. which one should we get?

So You Think You Can Be America's Best Dance Crew

2008-08-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

I realize this blog is getting further and further away from being about our adoption but I just have to say:

Katee for SYTYCD
watch her with Joshua

... and Fanny Pack for ANDC
watch them perform to Missy Elliott

those are my predictions... Don't hate. Participate.

There And Back Again

2008-07-19T06:55:00.000-07:00

We are back at home in San Francisco. Jet lag is getting the best of me so I thought I'd post a final entry. Our last stop on the tour was Berlin. We arrived at the main train station wide-eyed at the modernity of it. It was like a giant shopping mall with trains running through it.All of Germany has a really rich history but Berlin in particular has had some major events in the recent past. The City is in a constant state of change and construction due to their reunification efforts since the fall of the Berlin Wall.We visited the Museum at the site of Checkpoint Charlie. Its focus is to describe life during a split Germany. The museum itself is kind of cluttered but it tells many interesting stories of escape attempts and the exuberance of the people after the Wall came down. Time for a little lunch break. Learning about history sure makes you hungry. Luckily they pour really big glasses of wine!The next morning we went to see the Reichstag building. In 1933, an arsonist set the building on fire ushering in a new era of Nazi rule. You can still see some of the burn marks.Above the columns, it says "Dem Deutschen Volken" or "For the German People". The family of the person who engraved it died in the holocaust. Today it is back in business as the offices of Parliament.

One of the last things we did in Berlin was go to the stylish Jewish Museum. It recounts Jewish life in Germany starting from the beginning of recorded history. The building itself is a monument to the millions of lives lost due to the persecution of Jews throughout time. One particularly intense display was a vast empty room with thousands of metal "faces" on the ground that clanged when you walked over them. We will never forget.So our time in Europe comes to an end. It was great traveling with a good friend and I feel like I really learned a lot! I will remember the delicious food, the kind people, and the madness of human behavior.

Ahoj

2008-07-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Prague! This place is a combination of old world beauty and reconstruction blues. There are some pretty incredible sights with lots of Gothic flair...And also some decidedly non-gothic images.I forgot to mention that while we were in Vienna, we accidentally ran into the Tour De France!We were also going to buy some gifts in Vienna before we left. Maybe some wine to bring home, but decided to wait until Berlin.
OK, back to Prague... Today we packed it in. We saw the Charles Bridge, Prague Castle, Old Jewish Cemetery, King Wenceslas Square, and finally the opera Don Giovanni at the Estates Theater. It is the original theater Mozart debuted Don Giovanni in on October 27, 1787 . Tomorrow we are heading to Berlin for the final leg of our tour. This is going by fast!

Czech Please!

2008-07-13T00:24:00.000-07:00

We are leaving Vienna today and heading to Prague. Wish us luck! here is a link to the food we've been eating...

There Are No Kangaroos In Austria

2008-07-11T14:28:00.000-07:00

First of all, we are here in Europe for work. this is what we did:What you are looking at is the view from the remote controlled space ship Patty and I rode in onto the big TV stage. It was for a kid's show called "Tiger Duck Club" and they invited us over to talk about animation. It was scary and thrilling trying to do a live interview translated into English through an ear piece in front of an audience of 150 kids... In one take.

The next day, we decided to take a bus tour to see the Bavarian countryside. We saw this:
and this (note the para-sailing over the castle). It's called Castle Neuschwanstein and is the inspiration behind Disneyland's castle. Oo, maybe we can write this trip off.Today we left Munich and headed over to Austria. First stop, Salzburg! They have solar powered garbage cans but we couldn't figure out why they need power."Patty, you have something in your hair"After leaving Salzburg, we took an epic journey to Vienna. We were carrying heavy bags, dealing with rude people and getting lost but in the end it was all worth it.

Guten Tag!

2008-07-07T22:21:00.000-07:00

Hello from Munich! Patty and I are in Germany doing press for the release of Wall-E. We will be appearing on a children's television show called Tiger Duck Club. It's supposed to be the German equivalent to Sesame Street except without the puppets. Since nothing is going on adoption-wise, I'll just use the next few entries as a travel journal.

The plane ride was great. Barely any turbulence and it was a direct flight. The meals however, were somewhat lacking...The first thing I noticed about German people is that they love themselves some beer!As if that's not enough, here's a close-up.In addition to beer, they love pretzels, cabbage, potatoes, and sausages. They also love concentration camps. Or at least, they used to. We went to Dachau right outside of Munich and it was the first concentration camp in Germany. The sign at the entrance translates to, "Work Makes Freedom".Here's Patty at one of the bunkers. Each one was made for 50 people but at the height of WWII, they reached capacities of 500... SoberingHere's something more fun. At the source of the river Eisbach, there is so much turbulence, people surf from bank to bank. It's only 20 feet wide!And finally, it turns out Germans were the originators of Banking For Jerks.
for more photos of the food we're eating, click here.

We Will... Soon

2008-06-28T10:28:00.000-07:00

That's right.

:(

2008-06-17T09:36:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, just a quick update. Adoption Connection called us last week and told us our potential match decided to go with a heterosexual couple instead. We want to thank everyone for all the kind words and encouragement. Take heart! We are not sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. We knew it was going to be a tough road and it certainly has delivered on that promise. Some people still aren't ready for the freaky lifestyle we intend to inflict on our children. We know the baby for us is still out there somewhere and so we continue to wait.

Here's some good news. David and I have decided to get married now that California is allowing it. We will be one happy couple unless the naysayers are able to overturn the ruling in November. If you are in CA, remember to vote to allow gay marriage to continue! If you are against gay marriage, don't bother voting that day please.

Timeline

2008-06-06T14:21:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I should write about things that aren't definite but I said way back when I first started this blog that I wanted to chronicle the process of our adoption. Warts and all. This entry will be a TIMELINE of the things that have been going on lately. There are a couple reasons for making it a timeline. One is that so much has happened in the last few weeks it will just be easier to see as bullet points rather than individual entries. Another reason is David and I are still processing some of the recent developments and I'm just really not sure what to say about some things. Facts are easier to digest. I'm changing the names to protect privacy. So here goes:

- April 28 -
Driving home from work, I was called by "Joyce" from Adoption Connection and told there is a pregnant girl (Gwenyth) who picked our profile! She was 3 months pregnant and specifically wanted a gay couple. Her reasons for choosing adoption are her own but she is only 15 years old and might not be ready to be a mom.

- May 3 -
Speaking to a couple social workers at AC, they told us more details and asked if we'd be willing to speak with her. We said "Hell Yeah!" without the "hell". We schedule a meeting for the 15th.

- May 9 -
Joyce calls us and says there might be a little hitch. Turns out the birth father (Lars) lives with his grandma (Sue Ellen) and she is not keen on placing the baby with a gay couple. Because, you know... Gays are gross. Lars however, is ok with having a gay couple as parents. Joyce decides to meet with their family to see if she can help smooth things out. Our meeting is rescheduled for the 27th.

- May 14 -
David and I attend our Hospital Planning class and try to pay attention while our minds drift to the birth family.

- May 15 -
California Supreme Court overturns ban on gay marriage. Wedding planners and Target stores across the coast rejoice.

- May 18 -
No word on how Joyce's meeting went so we called her. She told us the meeting went poorly and Sue Ellen didn't change her mind about supporting Gwenyth and Lars' decision to pick a gay couple. Apparently tempers and nostrils flared. The meeting on the 27th is still going to happen as planned. Oh, also, Joyce tells us the baby is going to be a girl! My heart stopped for about 30 sec but I pulled through.

- May 25 -
it's my birthday! yay me. Some friends give us advice on how to act at our first meeting with Gwenyth's family. They said to appeal to her parents since she still lives at home. All I know is, I'll be happy if I can refrain from having a nervous breakdown before arriving at their house.

- May 27 -
Day of the big meeting! We are nervous but resolved to make a good first impression. About an hour before we leave for Gwenyth's house, I get a call from AC telling us this match is maybe only 50/50 at this point. Sue Ellen is firm in her belief that gays shouldn't be parents. We are demoralized but go forth with the meeting... Gwenyth and Lars are awesome. She is just like someone I would have been friends with in high school. He is equally great in that he is standing by his girlfriend when most of the time the fathers just disappear. We left the meeting on a high note but kept in mind that this pairing may not make it to the finish line if grandma gets her way.

- June 2 -
I call Adoption Connection to see what the status is after our meeting. Apparently Sue Ellen got mad at Joyce and doesn't want her on the case anymore. AC told us Sue Ellen was able to convince Lars to look at a heterosexual couple in addition to considering us. Gwenyth and her family are on our side and hopefully staying strong but Sue Ellen is possibly threatening
legal action if she doesn't get her way. Our hearts sink.

- June 6 -
Today. I was starting to get acclimated to the idea that this won't be THE ONE, but after writing this entry, I'm fluctuating between states of frustration and sadness. It is so unfortunate that even though both birth parents want us to raise the baby, the birth father's grandmother could have enough power to prevent that from happening. Worse than that, the ONLY reason we might not get this baby is because we are gay.

A Class Act

2008-05-21T10:18:00.000-07:00

It's getting to the point in a blog's life cycle where in every new entry I will state the fact that I haven't posted a new blog in a while. Well, there are several reasons for that. All of which will be revealed in the coming months.

In our boredom, David and I signed up for another class at Adoption Connection. The topic was "Hospital Planning". It taught us our role in the hospital when our birth mother is giving birth. Basically, we are to be awkward bystanders as the mercurial waves of this unusual relationship unfolds. Since we have no official rights until our birth mother signs the relinquishment forms, we are just supposed to support her and wait patiently in the corner.Probably the scariest thing for all adoptive parents is the chance that the mother will change her mind after giving birth. They say it's rare, but it does happen. As much as we want the baby, we have to be respectful of her role as the biological mom. I know it will probably be the most difficult moment in her life and also probably the happiest in ours so Hospital Day will definitely be emotionally charged.

A Whole Lotta Nothing

2008-04-19T22:38:00.001-07:00

Haven't posted a new blog in a while. It's because there is nothing going on on the adoption front. We're still waiting for a little bundle of crying happiness. The only news that came today is our outreach coordinator quit our agency. It's ok, she's been replaced already. Anyone want to take bets as to when we get matched?

Say it, Don't Downplay It

2008-04-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

Last night we went to our final workshop! I'm glad we went to all of them but I'm equally glad that was the last one. I mean, come on, how much prep work do we really have to do?! Maybe it's just overcompensating on our part since we're going to have an alternative family. In the end, it will all be worth it when the little one looks up at us and says, "Hey dads, you guys always say the right thing to help me develop a positive self-esteem and you are always displaying non-shame based behavior for me to model. There is no challenge I cannot overcome. Thank you."The workshop dealt with issues of raising a child in an LGBT home. I think there might be a "Q" in there somewhere now but I'm not sure. I don't know how many more minority groups we can belong to so I'm just adding this one to the pile. The same techniques apply to having same gender parents as to having a transracial family. It's all about communication baby. I mean, communication WITH the baby.We are supposed to be sensitive to how our child feels when he or she comes home asking why he or she doesn't have a mom. The kid might feel sad about that fact so we are supposed to have something prepared to say about it. And "eew, women are gross" won't cut it.I think the most important thing will be to make sure our kid feels comfortable coming to us with whatever he or she wants to talk about. It may not be the most natural thing for us to always be open in talking about our feelings, but for the sake of our child, it will be well worth the effort.

Blog Time Fun Time

2008-03-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple noteworthy things semi-related to this blog, and our life...

#1.) Our friend Tasha put a mention of this blog in the quietly hilarious comic she does for her company's website. see it here. (look for comic number 27)

#2.) I recently got to work with my friend Anna again. We collaborated once before at Calarts and it is still as fun as it was back then. She does the design and I do the music. Other old friends from Calarts did the animation. Anna makes dolls that she sells to boutique toy stores and this is kind of a commercial for her new doll.

ps. That's David's voice you hear on the song

Let's Race

2008-03-17T10:09:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, we went to yet another seminar. They are informative but thankfully we only have one more left. A person can do only so much soul searching. Saturday's topic was about adopting transracially. They should really have called it "Being A Responsible Parent In Today's Race Conscious Society Regardless Of What Color Your Kid's Skin Is" or BARPITRCSROWCYKSI.Let's face it, I'm Chinese so if we happen to adopt a white child, it will be a transracial adoption. If we adopt an Asian kid, it will be transracial for David. Our family already is of mixed heritage so hopefully getting a child that is different from either of us wouldn't be too much to deal with. I think the point of the workshop was to examine people's motivations for wanting to adopt outside their race. Are they ready for the identity issues that may arise? Do they have friends of the race they are willing to adopt from? If not, why not? Do they know about the customs and holidays of their child's race? Do they subscribe to Ebony Magazine? During the whole seminar I was thinking in my head that this seems to be a primarily Caucasian concern based on the history of white colonization of other cultures. I thought, this doesn't affect me, I was raised in the super white midwest and I turned out fine. By the end of the day however, I was left with a feeling of urgency and calling to make sure our kid gets the best of our culture as well as whatever culture he or she is born of. Well played Transracial Adoption Seminar... Well played.

30:2 to Yuma

2008-03-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

No word on a possible match yet. We just got back from a nice little vacation in Palm Springs. My parents flew in to see a tennis tournament so David and I went down there to hang with them for a few days. We relaxed in the sun and even got to play some golf! We got back just in time to attend our Infant CPR class. We learned how to do compressions, breaths and the baby heimlich maneuver. For CPR, it's 30 compressions to 2 breaths in case you are reading this near an unconscious person. And don't forget to clear the airway to make sure your breaths are effective. and thus the waiting continues...

The Event Was Jam PACT

2008-03-02T17:05:00.000-08:00

"She's so cute! How could anyone have given her up?"
"Have you met his real parents?"
"Maybe one day you can still have kids of your own."

Yesterday David and I went to an all day seminar called "Inside Outside" sponsored by an organization called PACT. The focus of this workshop was to explore the ways people talk about adoption; both inside and outside the family. Those seemingly innocent comments above contain a deeper subtext about the way society feels about adoption. Clue: our culture thinks since it's not most people's first choice, it's a worse choice. That is so ridiculous it's redonkulous!I had been aware of this but really had no idea how deep it ran until we started the adoption process. Almost everyone we've told has been supportive and wonderful (so it's not you guys... Love You!) but there have been a few stray comments here and there that have caught us off guard. Since we're deep in this process, we are educationally much further along than the general population on adoption so I'm chalking up negative comments to ignorance rather than mal-intent.The seminar was great in teaching us how to talk to people about why we're doing this. Also, it reminded us that we don't have to give out every little piece of information. This is after all, going to be our family story and certain things should remain private. Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't be blogging about this... ANYHOO, if anyone is thinking of asking us a question like those I mentioned at the beginning, we have learned to humbly answer:

-Your choice of words makes us feel sad inside.
-We ARE the real parents... And you AREn't supposed to say that.
-That thing IS our own kid.

We Got Mail

2008-02-18T14:16:00.000-08:00

This weekend I was doing my routine email check and there was a message from someone who saw our profile from Adoption Connection!We've only been in outreach for a week and already someone wants to place their kid with us? We decided to turn it down because we weren't sure if we could handle this particular situation. The child is 2 years old, and has various health issues. David and I had to do a lot of serious soul searching because how can you say 'no' to anyone? We are going to refer her to the people at Adoption Connection and maybe they can help her out.

Project Funway

2008-02-14T08:59:00.000-08:00

I know this will be divisive, but I secretly think Christian from Project Runway is funny... There, I said it.Happy Valentines Day!

Up and Away

2008-02-09T08:34:00.000-08:00

I know I just posted yesterday but we got some exciting news. We are now officially in Outreach! Adoption Connection has put our profile up on their website. You can check it out here if you are so inclined. Now it's just a matter of twiddling our thumbs until we get the fateful call that will change our lives forever.

More Than Words

2008-02-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! How are things? Thought I'd try a greeting this time since communication is the key to any successful relationship. We learned that and much more last night at our "Preparing for Adoption" workshop. The guest speaker was an adult adoptee who told us her story. She talked about growing up as an adopted person who didn't know her birth parents (closed adoptions were the norm back then) and her journey to find her birth mom. Very very eye opening! I think I was ready to hear the childhood parts of her story since that's in the relative immediate future for us. The thing that caught me unawares was the description of her relationship with her birth mom as an adult. I guess it never dawned on me that adopted kids grow up one day and have lives of their own. Oh how young and naive I was back then (yesterday).Baby's might be cute and cuddly but let's see how cute it is when they're 40 and introducing their own kids to the birth mother. What is that relationship? I suppose it's a relationship that has no label and just is what it is. It will be up to our son or daughter to decide how to handle it and our job as parents to help it navigate through those times as best we can. You can't spell REASSURING without SURI and we all know her future is taken care of.

Meconium, YOUconium

2008-02-04T13:07:00.000-08:00

That's the name of the baby's first poop. It's dark and sticky. Who knew!? Did you also know you can press below the belly button to 'pop' the umbilical cord stump up like a scabby turkey thermometer? Well, we learned all this and a whole mess of other information last weekend at our 'Infant Care' seminar. 5 hours of do's and don'ts that left us in a daze.Our teacher went over all the basics of taking a newborn home and dealing with its needs for the first few weeks of life. If anyone is thinking of having a baby, or is about to have one, I highly recommend taking a class like this. She showed us a video that had things you'd never want to see, but will soon be a reality in your life with baby on the way. She taught us things ranging from what kind of detergent to use, to interview questions when picking a pediatrician, to techniques for picking up a newborn.I wouldn't say I feel at ease now, but it definitely alleviated some of my worries. At least we now know what kind of pillow to put in Count Suckula's crib (answer: none).

Letter Rip!

2008-01-30T14:19:00.000-08:00

We finished our Birthmother letter last night! After revising the wording and layout a couple times, we're finally finished. Tonight I'm going to go print off a billion copies and then scatter them across this fair nation of ours. Here is what the cover looks like:

Roller Coaster

2008-01-26T10:17:00.000-08:00

*Sweet Baby Cheeses, I'm sorry if anyone clicked on the "horrible parents" link before 3pm today. I uploaded a picture the way I normally do it, but I think the link was corrupted and/or hijacked. Anyway, it's fixed now. Back to scheduled programing.*
------------------------------------------

We are in the midst of a 5 week "Preparing For Domestic Adoption" workshop. There have been two sessions so far and boy is it ever a roller coaster. I went from excitement talking with other adopters, to insecurity thinking we are going to be horrible parents, to questioning how much I even want to do this, back all the way around to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and thinking it is all going to be worth it.The first session we just got to know everyone and talked about what brought people to choose adoption to start their family. It made for a very serious time since most of the people are there because of some kind of infertility or loss. Not all of us though... The interesting thing about our group is that out of 9 couples, 4 of them are gay men. Looks like we chose the right agency!All of us are at different stages of the process so it was great to hear stories about how people's experiences have been while also being glad that some parts are already over for us. Most everyone had an easy time with the homestudy and are struggling writing their "Dear Birthmother Letter". I wouldn't say we're struggling with our letter but it certainly does take a lot of editing. The second session we were offered a rare treat to meet two couples who have gone through the rigors of the adoption process and came out the other side with a gleaming brand spanking new baby to show for it. They had extremely different stories in how they got their babies. One had been waiting for a year and a half and then got a call for an Immediate Hospital Placement. That means a birthmother decides to place the baby for adoption at the very last minute and has no chance to meet the adoptive parents during her pregnancy.

The other couple had a pretty normal domestic adoption experience. They waited 6 months, got matched, spent 2 months getting to know the birth mother, and then took the baby home. The only thing about their case that was out of the ordinary was that they are 2 men. And maybe that's not so out of the ordinary anymore...

Reach Out

2008-01-18T10:48:00.000-08:00

Lots to update! Well, not really anything tangible, but we had a lot of information thrown at us yesterday. It was a one-two punch at the ol' adoption center. First we had a meeting with Leah, our outreach coordinator. Followed by the first night of a 5 week Preparing for Adoption Workshop. Eyes were opened, and then glazed over.
Leah laid down the law for what we will need to do to let pregnant moms know we exist. This includes, but is not limited to, editing our birthmother letter, making 20 physical copies of it, linking our website, and telling everyone we know about our adoption plan.After all that's done, she does a whole bunch of magic and then we start the waiting game. She says the average wait time right now is 14 months. And here I thought we'd be welcoming a baby into our home by March. Oh well, that gives us more time to horse around while we still can.

We've actually already written the first draft of our birthmother letter. We showed it to Leah and she suggested (told us) what to change. It's important to get the wording just right as you don't who is going to be reading it. I think that's why many of the letters I've read sound similar. Or at least seemingly watered down. Anywho, I'm pumped to get the letter finished. After that we are to design a profile book which is actually just a couple pages of pictures and the text of our letter laid out in an attractive and easy to follow display. Kind of like a page from US Weekly. The book will be presented to pregnant women whose preferences match our own.
I'll post later about the workshop. It's going to be a doozy.

We Bought Our First Onesie

2008-01-08T10:42:00.000-08:00

It was kind of spur-of-the-moment. We were at a store with a gift card and didn't know what to spend it on. There has been a big question on my mind as to when we should start getting equipment for baby cakes. I guess a onesie (or as the British say, "Babygro") is a relatively innocuous way to start. Not too much pressure, and doesn't take up any space.

We were a little bit shaken up by the whole gravity of the situation but managed to pull through even when the lady at the checkout looked at the two of us and said, "do you want a gift box?"

Dear Mom

2008-01-05T11:11:00.001-08:00

Over the winter break, we started working on our "Dear Birthmother Letter". It is essentially an advertisement to try and get a pregnant woman to pick us to be the parents of her child. In doing my research of other birthmother letters, I noticed one thing they all had in common. One oppressive, overpowering message everyone was trying to convey: Perfection. Everyone's family is basically the same with their lovely homes, and idyllic neighborhoods filled with the sounds of children laughing and candy cane trees on a hill overlooking a smog-free city that's not-too-big and not-too-small with dozens of family members who live just down the street that are excited to babysit at the drop of a hat and so much disposable income that they can't decide which color jet to buy this year.
On one hand, I suppose it makes it easier for the mother to choose since every choice is exactly the same. On the other hand, I wonder if standing out from the pack makes a difference in a pregnant woman's eyes. I understand accentuating the positive, but I wonder if the mom can smell a rat from a mile away.

(best reviewed film of the year)

My intention is to make our letter sound semi utopian, but include enough of our quirks that make us seem like real people. we'll see if that flies. If not, we can just copy and paste someone else's letter and change the names.

Homestudy, Check!

2007-12-27T12:08:00.000-08:00

Well, our homestudy got approved! What a nice way to end the year. I can't believe it's been 3 months since we've started this process. They said it would take about that long and they were totally right. They sent us a letter with barely a paragraph saying we are approved. Now, I'm not saying I'm not happy to be approved, but after putting us through the ringer of interviews, forms, and recommendations, you'd think there would be a little more fanfare to the completing of our homestudy. I don't know, would a cotillion or an elephant parade be too much to ask?Looking forward into 2008, we have many things to do on the adoption front. We have to go to all of our workshops, prepare a "Dear Birthmother Letter", get a website up, find a pediatrician, and various miscellaneous legal things. I'll try to hit them as they happen. In the meantime, have a Happy New Year next week. Don't make any resolutions you won't stick to!is this what armageddon will look like?

Oh The Weather Outside Is Warm

2007-12-24T08:31:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone has a Happy Holiday! We thought about sending a Christmas card but maybe that's something best saved for when Señor Toddlersworth arrives. Winter in California isn't the same as Minnesota or Ohio. We miss the snow, but are enjoying the sun. Hopefully our kid will get to enjoy a snow day or two.Please be safe and enjoy the last days of 2007! Here's hoping 2008 brings everyone a little something they want.

Waiting to be Approved

2007-12-18T11:42:00.000-08:00

Hope people enjoyed David's entry. Although he chose to call it "David's Dialogue", I thought my suggestions were good too: "Diaper Duty w/David", "Pop Squared", "David's Korner"... But whatever.

It's true, we are done with the interviewing and paperwork for the homestudy! Thanks to everyone who helped out. They said the references are usually the thing that takes the longest, but everyone we asked pulled through and got it in. We know people are busy so we appreciate it big time.
Amy said she just has to write up her report and send it off. Hopefully we will get approved and then we can start the outreach portion of the adoption. More on that as it happens.

David's Dialogue

2007-12-15T16:18:00.000-08:00

David here, with my 1st attempt at this new-found blogging thing all the kids are raging about. Well indeed it has been an eventful few weeks in and outside of the Page St house. Technically we're done with the home study, what part we can do for now anyway. I had my one-to-one interview with Amy Friday the 14th, and she took a look at our facilities. No red or pink flags, in her words, which is either semaphore speak or her way of saying all seems to be a go! We talked about my experiences, my past (fun fun fun, try it sometime), and our ability to host a little one here. She particularly likes the closet space the tyke is going to be getting in that spare room. Who wouldn't? Junior (he or she) has plenty of room for clothes, books, and whatever else he/she plans to own/wear/read/leave lying around for us to stumble over later. But it's exciting. It'll be a big change and luckily all of you will be counted on to help us bring this new person into the world just right. Feel free to sign up for babysitting, diaper changing, or just swinging by to provide us with some adult banter while we navigate teething, crib shopping, and the delicate art of using baby wipes! It'll be a wild ride, but rewarding. Check back for more good reads later.

Gloss or Matte?

2007-12-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

Check out the new Glossary I added to the right hand column. It's just a bunch of commonly used terms I may be throwing around these parts. If there's anything you want a definition of, do let me know.

Peripheral to the Main Plot

2007-12-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

Before getting into too much blog, this installment will be like one of the episodes of The X-Files that wasn't integral to the main story arc but rather supports the world in which the characters live. That is to say, this entry won't be about aliens and government conspiracy, it will be about a man that can shoot lightning bolts out of his fingers.

In preparation for next week's visit with Amy our social worker, we've started to reorganize our house a little bit. We live in a 2 bedroom condo in San Francisco so space is limited. Our second bedroom used to be our playground for all of our musical endeavors but now it's to be Junior's LITERAL playground. I have to go through everything in there with a fine-toothed comb and purge anything that's no longer needed.It feels good to get rid of a bunch of crap and the funny thing is, if we didn't decide to adopt, who knows how long our house would have gone without an upheaval. Stuff just piles up over the years and tends to become ignored after a while... The cats are not feeling the transition.

We Just Talked About Stuff

2007-11-28T16:13:00.000-08:00

This morning I had my individual interview with Amy our social worker. To my surprise, I wasn't nervous at all. However, in the middle of the interview, I felt as though someone had stuffed a handful of saltines into my mouth thus removing all saliva and making it difficult to swallow.The interview touched on a myriad of subjects both personal and practical. The personal questions were about my childhood, family life, school years, career choice, dating history... Stuff I don't normally have to speak about. Especially in such depth. As I've said before, It was a little bit like therapy.Then there were practical questions, like how we expect our lives to change after having the baby, our thoughts on discipline, what kind of parents we hope to be. It really made me examine the whole prospect of being a dad and luckily, I didn't feel like running out of the building screaming. In fact, the opposite happened. I left the interview with a sense of calm and serenity

Let's Give Thanks

2007-11-21T10:19:00.001-08:00

I just wanted to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. If you're Canadian, sorry this greeting is so late. Not much to report this week. The only notable thing is that our social worker asked us if it was ok to use our interviews to train a new person. I guess that means she thinks we'll pass the homestudy! That, or she wants to show the new person what a lost cause looks like.

Anyway, hope everyone enjoys their turkey day... Wear loose pants.

Done and Done

2007-11-14T14:29:00.000-08:00

Today I mailed off the last of the paperwork. It was a pretty big stack of papers but once it's done, it's done. The reason it took a while is because I had to go to my doctor to get a TB test and then wait 2 days to get the results... Negative!

This homestudy process is really moving along. Now it's just a matter of getting our interviews done. Two individual interviews and then one more couple interview. Also, our caseworker is going to come visit our house to make sure it's suitable for a baby. I guess that means we'll have to cover up the pit of broken glass in the hallway.

Work It

2007-11-07T13:57:00.000-08:00

We're diligently working on our paperwork and it's going well so far. The hard one is the expense report. We have to do a budget of everything we spend our money on in a month and see if that number is less than the amount we bring in. We also have to show them employment verification, give a criminal record statement, and get a TB test. This begs the question, how come people who just get pregnant don't have to do all this stuff? I guess that's the way the life cookie crumbles.David has signed us up for some Workshops that are also required. The first one is the Preparing for Domestic Open Adoption workshop. It is a 5 night seminar that will guide us through the process. Topics include:

Resolving infertility
Making the decision to adopt
Special issues in raising adopted children
Understanding adoption from the perspective of adoptive parents, birthparents, and the adult adoptee.

The other required workshop is called Transracial Adoption. That one talks about how to be sensitive to the cultural heritage of a child that is not the same race as us. Since David and I are not the same race, most likely the baby will be of a different ethnic makeup than at least one of us.
Finally, there are several optional workshops that we will probably try to attend... Newborn Care, LGBT Adoptive parenting, Infant CPR, etc. I figure, the more we know, the better off we'll be.

Reality Writes

2007-11-02T16:07:00.000-07:00

Last night was a big one! We went to Dopsh Cons (new nickname) to meet with Amy our social worker. She was super nice and answered every one of our newbie questions. She and her partner adopted through Adoption Connection so she's been in the exact same situation as us. My observation with social workers is that they have kind eyes and gentle voices.

First she outlined the process going forward. As a gay couple we'll face different but not necessarily harder challenges in the duration. One challenge might be if we are matched in a state with laws forbidding LGBT adoption. We might have to bring the birthmom to California to have the baby. I guess we'll cross that bridge if we come to it.

Next she did our first pair interview. The questions were about our relationship mostly. How we met, what we like and dislike about the other person, what we do for fun. It's a little strange getting interviewed about personal topics. It almost felt like therapy but the good news was, digging deep didn't wet the well with tears if you catch my drift.

Finally, she gave us our sizable stack of forms to fill out. Most of them are just signature required but some of them are more interesting. I'd say the two big ones are the personal REFERENCES and the personal PREFERENCES. Yes that's right. The references are to be 3 people who are not relatives filling out a questionnaire about if they think we'd be good parents. The preferences form is what situation we would be comfortable being matched with. You really have to do a lot of self examination with the latter form. We are faced with a multitude of factors that could result in any number of congenital defects or pre-natal substance exposure. But we only get this one life so we're throwing all caution to the wind, yo. We're just hoping the baby arrives healthy and happy.

All Hallow's Eve

2007-10-31T15:38:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween! I can't wait to dress our baby up in this:

with this being a close second:But seriously folks, tomorrow is our first meeting with our social worker. I hope it goes smoothly. I'm doing my best to keep the stress level low as I'm sure it will be increasing in the next several months.

Next Up, Forms

2007-10-22T16:31:00.000-07:00

They got back to us! We received a package in the mail with information on the next step. We have an appointment with our caseworker next week for our first interview.

Apparently our immediate future consists of filling out a bunch of forms. Examples include but are not limited to:

- Child Placement form
- Adoption Expenses form
- Financial Statement
- Personal References
- Medical form
- Employment Verification form
- Criminal Record Statements
- Grievance Procedure form

Forms, shmorms! Sounds like a lot of work but I secretly like filling things out. Plus I gots to keep my eyes on the prize. This weekend we went to our friends' baby's first birthday party. She seduced me with her cuteness.

like this?

Accountability

2007-10-16T16:03:00.001-07:00

Still patiently awaiting news from Adoption Connection to see if they'll take us on as clients. I know they said a couple weeks until we'd be assigned a case worker but it would nice to get this thing rolling!

In semi-adoption news, David and I have decided to start a joint bank account for all things baby. It was easy to get David to agree to this since the Cleveland Indians are steadily trekking towards the World Series. (note to self: when he's happy, he'll say yes to anything)

hmm... might be time to rethink that logo

Why don't we already have a joint account you ask? We currently are not Domestic Partners but we've been solid for a miraculous 6 years. Who needs that paper anyway right? Actually, we're still deciding on the best path to take in cementing our relationship. According to California Law, if we become domestic partners, we can adopt together as a single unit instead of having to each do an individual adoption. Sweet!

Wait a Second

2007-10-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

I called Adoption Connection today to see if they received our application and they have! The woman on the phone broke it down to me thusly:

7-10 days to process the application
2 weeks until a case worker is assigned to it

So I guess this is just the first in what will probably be a long string of wait periods.

Nurse, I need stats, STAT!

2007-10-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

Since announcing our intention to adopt, we have gotten a huge outpouring of support from our friends and family. Thanks everyone!

I've also been getting a lot of similar questions so I thought I'd share some of the statistics our agency has given us. These numbers are specifically from 2006 and for Adoption Connection only.

- Average time to complete an adoption was 12 months. They said to expect anywhere from 6-18 months.

- Ethnicity of babies placed breaks down like this:
African American - 7
Asian/Pacific islander - 2 (but keep your fingers crossed mom and dad)
Caucasian - 29 (I know, right?)
Mixed - 12
Hispanic - 1
East Indian - 0
Native American - 0

- Average of 9 families per year leave the program due to various circumstances. Reasons include getting pregnant, moving out of the area, or just changing their minds.

- LGBT couples make up 14% of families who adopted. Singles were at 6%. Convicted criminals and children tied at 0%

- 60% birthmoms reside in California.

- Cost varies but ranges from $10,000-$25, 000. It depends on the mother's situation.

This one is not a stat, but I got asked a lot... No, we don't get to choose the sex of the child but that's ok with us. Either is fine. Although, David wants an athlete so it has to be really strong. We do get to specify ethnicity, medical condition, etc. Obviously the more open you are, the easier it will be to make a match.

Ain't Just Whistlin' Miscellany

2007-10-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note... I realized I had locked the comments from people unless you had a blogspot account. I just opened it up to anyone so feel free to comment without having to sign up.

Applying Ourselves

2007-10-02T10:12:00.001-07:00

OK, here it is! After getting our toes wet with orientations, we are now fully diving in by sending in our home study application. Up until now, the whole idea of adoption has been somewhat theoretical. With this application, it's going to be real.
this is how it went down...

$250 non-refundable application fee

Forms include the Contract, Live-scan, and lengthy, deep-delving questionnaire.

Note steady, resolved hand

gulp!

They Live-Scan

2007-09-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to the Hall of Justice to get our fingerprints taken. It's one of the requirements for the home study. They'll see if we have any criminal records and send the information to the agency. This is not your old timey ink-pad and carbon copy fingerprinting. Nowadays it's done on a glass plate with a scanner and the computer can fill in the blanks if you don't press it just right.

a tender moment

It was strange sitting in an area meant for people waiting to get thrown in the slammer. Our technician was kind of quiet and gruff doing the fingerprinting but after he finished with us, he quietly said, "good luck"...

Orientations are not just for Orientals

2007-09-26T11:26:00.000-07:00

A great way to get introduced to the adoption procedure is to find an agency and attend their orientation. We ended up going to 5 different orientations. Here are my observations:

The first thing I noticed was, man, a lot of white people want to adopt! I should say Caucasians. It must be cultural because San Francisco has a wide variety of all races. It would seem like the orientation would be a cross section of everyone in this area. But as it turns out... not so! No big deal, just an observation.

Sample orientation makeup

The second thing I noticed was everyone looked nervous just like we did! That was a relief. hearing other people's questions was a great learning experience for us. We also got to hear about many different situations that led people to choose adoption.

Finally, at almost every orientation, there was at least one other gay or lesbian couple. As with marriage, parenting is a hotly contested arena for our community. As if reservations about my own ability to raise a child weren't enough, there is this whole other undercurrent of judgment by some people thinking we shouldn't be trying to be parents. Well, I just don't see how two people who want to offer a child a stable, loving life can be bad when compared to the situation they might be in if no one wanted to adopt them. So to all you Negative Nancy's out there:

Do What Now?

2007-09-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

Right now we're in the "Deciding Which Agency To Use" phase. But let me backtrack... Before we even decided to do Domestic Open Adoption, we had to figure out which way of getting a little tyke was best for us.

My first inkling was to look into Surrogacy. Now, since I have not sired any children in any of my previous relationships (ladies, you lost your chance in high school), surrogacy seemed to be a good way to have a child that is biologically mine... Until we saw the cost. It can go upwards of $120 K, and that's if everything goes well. More importantly, after doing the research, we realized the kid doesn't need to be created by one of us. There are plenty of children out there who need good homes and if we can provide a stable, loving one, then we will.

Next up was Foster Care. We went to an informal meeting with AdoptionSF and they told us all about the process of fostering a child. This particular agency does what is called Fost-Adopt which just means the child you are placed with is one that has a low chance of being reunited with their biological parent(s) so eventually the hope is he or she will be adopted by you. We like the idea of doing this but since we will be brand spanking new parents, we're not sure we'll be able to handle the special needs of the kid we'd foster. Maybe one day we can do this.

Then we considered International Adoption but that is probably the trickiest of all our options. As of now, it seems like only Vietnam and Estonia allow single men to adopt from their countries. Also, one of us would have to apply for it as a single parent while the other one would have to pretend to just be my roomate. Kind of like the popular CBS sitcom "Two and a Half Men" starring Charlie Sheen as a well-to-do bachelor who has his tightly wound brother Jon Cryer and his son come stay with him. In this scenario, I would be Jon Cryer and David would be Charlie Sheen. The only difference is we don't have a rotating door (a lazy susan if you will) of witty characters dropping by every 5 minutes.

Finally, we looked at Domestic Open Adoption. Open adoption means pregnant mothers choose who to place their child with. There is no secrecy involved. All the adults involved know who everyone is, and the child will also know who their biological mother is. Sounds good to us! To me it just seems like there will be fewer unanswered questions as the kid gets older. If he/she starts to wonder who their mom is, and why she chose adoption, we can just call her up!So it looks like we're going to do Domestic Open Adoption. There are several adoption agencies in the bay area so it was difficult to choose. we just made a pro/con list and picked the one that had the best vibe for us. Also, not all agencies are open to "other" sexual orientations so that helped narrow down the list. We're going with Adoption Connection because they are in the city and we like their staff. Spunky ladies with a lot of knowledge!

This is What's Up

2007-09-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

HI

David and I have decided to start the adoption process. What?! Does this mean we're adults? I wanted to document the process somehow and figured this was as good a way to do it as any. Since we'll be two dads in a world full of mom/dad combos, there will undoubtedly be some obstacles to overcome. My goal for this blog is to show all the ups and downs no matter how painful or joyous. Maybe it will be interesting reading for some, maybe it will be more like "Bulgy The Bore", but really it will be for us to remember what we went through when we decided to start our family.